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I'm reading a book on anti-gravity

It's impossible to put down.

"I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's a real page-turner.

I'm friends with all electricians – we have great current connections.

The butcher accidentally backed into the meat grinder – he got a little behind in his work.

I'm on a seafood diet – I see food and I eat it.

The scarecrow got promoted because he was outstanding in his field.

I'm reading a book on glue – can't seem to put it down.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

The calendar's days are numbered.

Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

The scarecrow won an award because he was outstanding in his field.

I know a lot of jokes about retired people, but none of them work.

The baker collapsed, but he kneaded a break.

The math book looked sad because it had too many problems.

The kleptomaniac didn't understand any puns – he took everything literally.

The baker who was also a banker had a lot of dough and a lot of dough.

Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the playground? They woke up.

How do you organize a space party? You "planet"!

I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts.

Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.

Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.

Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.

Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired.

What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.

What do you call fake spaghetti? An "impasta"!

Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion? There was nothing left but de-brie.

Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems.

How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut!

Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will let it go.

How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.

Why don't eggs tell jokes? Because they might crack up.

How does a snowman get around? By riding an "icicle"!

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

What did one wall say to the other wall? "I'll meet you at the corner!"

I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's a real page-turner.

What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

Want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I'm still building it up.

What do you call a fake noodle? An "impasta"!

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's hard to put down.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the "P" is silent.

What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam!

Why don't scientists trust stairs? Because they're always up to something.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.

Why did the scarecrow keep getting promoted? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

When I suggested to my wife that she do lunges to stay in shape, that was a big step forward.

What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman.

I was struggling to figure out how lightning works, but then it struck me.

When the bicycle couldn't stand up by itself, it was two-tired.

I couldn't quite remember how to put my seatbelt on, but then it "clicked."

Don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.

I was going to tell you a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.

I was reading a book on anti-gravity. It's a real page-turner.

Why don't eggs tell jokes? They might crack up.

What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.

What did one hat say to the other hat? "You stay here, I'll go on ahead."

What did the scarecrow win an award for? Outstanding in his field.

I used to be a baker because I kneaded dough.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity – it's impossible to put down.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

I got a job at a bakery because I knead dough.

I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

Electricians are wired differently.

If you need an ark to save two of every animal, I Noah guy.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

I'm friends with all electricians. We have good current connections.

I told the doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

I wanted to be a monk but I never got the chants.

I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two-tired.

A backward poet writes inverse.

The shoemaker did a sole-searching job.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop anytime.

I'm trying to write a book on how to relax, but I'm struggling to find the time.

Eggs are egg-citing, especially the whites. They crack me up.

The guy who invented Velcro has made a rip-off.

Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.

I'm reading a book on the history of glue – can't put it down.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

Are mountains just hill-areas?

I got a job at a bank, but I lost interest.

I named my dogs Rolex and Timex – they're my watch dogs.

The scientist was fed up with cell-fies in the lab.

The scarecrow won an award for being outstanding in his field.

I put my grandma on speed dial. I call that Instagram.

The energizer bunny was arrested. He was charged with battery.

Never trust an atom, they make up everything.

I know a guy who's a great musician. He's noteworthy.

I'd tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.

I used to be a lifeguard, but I was too deep.

I was going to make a joke about herbs, but I didn't want to parsley anyone off.

Cows tell each other moos.

I used to be a teacher, but I lost my class.

Puns about the weather? Snow problem!

I told a pun about the wind but it blows.

I tried to make a pun about fog, but I mist.

My favorite animal? The bee, of course! It’s unbelievable.

I wanted to tell a pun about time, but it's not the right moment.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

I made a pun about the brain but it was mindless.

I'd tell you a chemistry joke, but I'm afraid I won't get a reaction.

I'm reading a book about helium. It's uplifting.

I took a picture of the field, it was outstanding.

I was going to tell a pun about electricity, but it's too shocking.

I told a pun to my friend about trees, but it was sappy.

Puns about vegetables? Lettuce know!

If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

The mathematician plants tree graphs.

When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.

The mathematician’s plants stopped growing, so he found the root of the problem.

I wanted to be a historian, but I couldn’t see the future in it.

I started a band called 999 Megabytes. We still haven’t got a gig.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

I'm reading a book about mazes. I got lost in it.

A chicken farmer's favorite car is a coupe.

I'd tell you a construction joke, but I'm still working on it.

Pencils might be pointless, but they still have a lot to say.

I told my computer I needed a break, and it froze.

I would tell a joke about an elevator, but it’s an uplifting experience.

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.

I told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.

I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.

My job at the concrete plant seems to get harder and harder.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

Why do bees have sticky hair? They always use honeycombs.

I'd make a pun about the wind, but it blows.

I made a pun about the ocean, but it was too deep.

I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed.

I wanted to make a pun about herbs, but I couldn’t find the thyme.

I was thinking of going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.

Archaeologists are just trowel and error experts.

I'd tell a joke about a wall, but you'd never get over it.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the playground? They woke up!

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.

Puns make me numb, but math puns make me number.

My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I'm trying to put him off. It's because his life will be in ruins.

I'd tell a joke about a ceiling, but it's over your head.

I made a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!

I would tell a joke about an envelope, but you might not get the inside joke.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Yes, it says "I'm falling and I can't log up!"

I'd tell a pun about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.

I wanted to tell a joke about the internet, but I’m afraid it might not connect.

I'd make a vegetable joke, but it's corny.

Puns about monorails always make for a one-track joke.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well-armed!

I know jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

I'd tell a kleptomaniac joke, but they always take things literally.

I used to make clown shoes, which was no small feat.

Did you hear about the bed bugs who fell in love? They got married in the spring.

I wanted to tell a joke about herbs, but I couldn’t find the thyme.

I was going to tell a dead battery joke, but it won’t have a charge.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the "P" is silent.

What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.

What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta!

How do you organize a space party? You planet.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind, it's tearable.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

I told my wife I felt like a deck of cards, and she said she'd deal with me later.

Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

I would tell a chemistry joke, but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.

Why did the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two-tired.

What does a lemon say when it answers the phone? Yellow!

What do you call a factory that makes good products? A satisfactory.

Why don't eggs tell secrets? They might crack up.

Why did the math teacher look sad? She had too many problems.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.

How do you organize a cat party? You just purr-suede them to come.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? He made a mint!

I told my computer I needed a break. It said, "Sounds like you need a byte."

How does a snowman get around? By riding an icicle!

Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.

Why did the cow give only buttermilk? Because it couldn’t churn the other cheek!

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.

How do you catch a squirrel? Climb up a tree and act like a nut!

My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.

What do you call a snobbish criminal going downstairs? A condescending con descending.

My dad used to say, "Always fight fire with fire," which is probably why he was thrown out of the fire brigade.

I couldn't figure out how to put my seatbelt on. Then it clicked.

I asked the librarian if they had books on paranoia. She whispered, "They're right behind you."

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backward? A receding hare-line.

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday. I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

Why did the math book look sad? It had too many problems.

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